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I swear I never meant to let it die
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| Do you remember? |
[Aug. 30th, 2007|09:23 am] |
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I remember back when "bitch" was barely in your vocabulary, and not your choice word for me. I remember when you saw through my anger, only to see sadness. I remember when you used to hold me tight, kiss me, a reassure me that everything would be okay, instead of yelling at me when I break down. I remember when you used to love me "so much", and when you couldn't "live without" me. I remember when you used to touch my face, or pull me close instead of pushing me out of your way....Do you? Do you remember when I felt your love, instead of having to rely on your word? Without action, your words are empty. How can you go from "I love you so much" to "I love you"? How can you go from not being able to live without me, to walking out on me? how can you go from understanding and kind, to cold and distant? You used to know me so well, do you still? Do you know what I hide? How I feel? how I don't feel? Maybe, one of these days, instead of aruguing with me, instead of yelling at me for not being able to handle things quite as well as you do- why don't you find out those questions. You'd be surprised with my answers. I promise. Speaking of surprises, do you remember when you used to surprise me all of the time, instead of once in a blue moon? When you would hug me from behind, turn my head so you could kiss me... You don't know how I feel. And when I try to explain it to you, I just get shot down. I feel ignored, lost and alone...I thought, that when you love someone as much as I think I love you, that you are never supposed to feel alone again...I know you won't see this. And I know you won't care. But its okay. Its not like anyone that I have ever cared about has ever cared back (for long at least), so its not too much of a surprise. |
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| Warped tour, work |
[Jul. 29th, 2007|10:32 am] |
| [ | I am |
| |  angry | ] |
| [ | Sounds |
| | She's got to go(Hotspur) | ] |
Warped Tour was on Fridayy. It really wasn't anywhere near as great as I predicted. Basically, it was a bunch of scene kids being immature. People were throwing bottles and shoes, and I can't even begin to count how many I got hit with. Cute is what we aim for was the first band I saw, aside from Haste The Day. I ended up leaving HTD to go see CIWWAF, Warner stayed at HTD. He came over before CTIWWAF even came on. When they did start, I got squished, not like, normal squished, but I couldn't breath. So, I started blacking out. Before I passed out, Warner pulled me out, thank god. I really don't think passing out in the middle of that mess would have been great. Killswitch Engage was definantly hilarious. One guy was wearing a rhino horn, and telling everyone to find the little emo kid next to them, beat the shit out of them, take all the money they've been saving up from working at Cinnabun, and buy a beer. It was great. The Redjumpsuit Apparatus was great, but after the first song, Warner and I watched this kid drop down and have a seizure less than a foot away from us. I was like omfg and just told the kids friend to turn him on his side, so he didn't choke on his tongue or saliva. Sicksicksick. It was pretty traumatizing, so I couldn't fully enjoy RJA. Coheed and Cambria = best evvverr. They, like always, were freaking phenominal. Straylight Run was good, umum...Hmm. I don't even know all the bands I saw. Paramore, I got to hear them, I didn't go up though. It was a mess. Coheed I got really close to. I hated being in front though, because at Warped, cows think they can crowd surf. If you weigh more than 90% of the crowd, why? Just to hurt people? Ughh. Warner's sister def. didn't get the tickets either until last minute. I mean, she did the whole Will Call thing. It wouldn't have made me so mad, if I hadn't rushed to scrape up the money for it. If I would have known she was going to do that, I would have waited to give her the money until my next check :| So yeah. That, and we had to wait through 2 lines, Will call and the entrance line. .-. We got there late, because she didn't know the way, and no one listened to my directionnnsss. We ended up way out of the way. I hate when I'm not driving. I can't stand to not be in control. I hatehatehate it! Yeah. So, I was sweaty and gross afterwards. I had pretty much everything on me. :| Ick. Worst part- I had to wake up at 6 and babysit on Sat., then go straight to work. 16 hour long work day, right after Warped. :|And I have to work again today. I would have had a better work schedule, but my manager has been a fucking bitch. The new girl got MORNING hours AGAIN. She's getting better hours than me, and has alot less seniority. That is not fair at all. So, I'm going to raise hell about that today. Get this- today, I work 1-9:30. She works 7-1. She has 23 hours this week, I have 13. Wtf? I should be getting more hours than her. :| She's done with training, so there's no excuse. I want to fucking beat the managerrrr. Ugh. Filing a grievance. I don't pay union dues for nothing. >:\ |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 6th, 2007|09:39 am] |
| [ | I am |
| |  tired | ] |
| [ | Sounds |
| | Ohio is for lovers(Hawthorne Heights) | ] |
I've worked everyday since Tuesday. I don't have a day off until next thursday. I am so unbelievably tired, you have no clue. Ughh. :( Yesterday was Warner and my 17 month. I wrote him a really sweet myspace message, but I don't think it really mattered. I got a brief "yeah, I agree with you" thing back, and an "it was sweet". I don't knowwww. I think that I expect too much of him. .-. We had a picnic yesterday. We walked in the apartment to pack up, mind you, it was beautiful out, sunny, clear skies. We walk out, and its black and looks like its going to storm. So, we had a picnic in the pouring rain. We sat under a pavillion thing, brought our own grill, and ate. Then there was a huge rainbow. It was worth it. Mmm. I'm thinking I'm gonna call in sick on Saturday, its the airshow, and Warner's family is going, and my dad and brother are supposed to go too. It should be funn. His family can meet my dad for the first time. In even better news, fxking Warped Tour is in a couple weeekkkss! AND! AND! AND! Warner's bday. And my first reading assignment has to be turned in. I am NOT looking forward to that. I might drop AP English. I already have
-Physics.
-AP German
-AP Pysch.
-Antanomy/Physiology
-Nurse Assistant
Between the first three though, AP English is going to murder me. D: I dunno. Maybe it won't. I dislike English though..So It probably will. I need to go take a shower, and go to Warners. So, more updates soon? I hope so, because I miss frequently updating this thing. |
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| Sombreros, spurs, pizza and a cemi(sp?) |
[Jul. 3rd, 2007|10:40 am] |
| [ | I am |
| |  happy | ] |
| [ | Sounds |
| | Nonee | ] |
I hung out with my dad yesterday, and recognize that around him and friends, I act entirely different. In a good way. I act how I used to act, and have good fun. My mom has been driving me up the wall for too long now. Around her, I put up a shield. A shield against her drunken slurs, her unkind actions and her brutal rants. She has no idea what she does to me in her drunken stupor. But with my dad, I had so much fun. We didn't even talk about the divorce that much. Warner and I got to sit in the cemi(sp?). We played in the chairs which were like roller coasters, made funny noises and went up really high and down really low. It was amazing. We spoke of the lands my father has been to, the best one being Mexico. He gave me my birthday gifts, and inside I felt like bursting out into tears. From Mexico, he bought me spurs of pure silver, heavy things, but amazing...And the next thing he got me, was a HUGE, authentic, hand-made Mexican sombrero! Omfg. Its beautiful...The stiching is amazing, the sequence was placed so finely! Its burgendy and gold, he hand picked it out because of my school's colors. He also got me a gift certificate to Hot Topic along with $20. Even though belated, it was the most amazing birthday ever. It beat whatever my mom did for me. The cemi was so cool. The beds pull down, there's a fridge, the cemi feels so cool to be up that high...He also told me about the deaths he saw, one of them being when a white cemi (the front part) swerved off the road to avoid hitting a car, fell into a cement ditch with cement walls, and the back part squished the front part with the driver all the way in. The white front, was covered in red blood. There are more, but my hands hurt. :P After sitting in the cemi for so long, we went to eat at this pizza place. It was awesome. On the way, some idiot next to us in a Land Rover had his music up too loud (rap of course), and my dad blasted icky thump by the White Stripes. That guy was pissed! XD The pizza place was fun too. My dad was typical, eating ALOT, my brother too. It was yummy though. The conversation there bounced around. My dad should be getting a house in between Eastpointe and Sterling Heights, a house! So I don't have to live in this crappy apartment anymore. I'm so excited :) Life will hopefully go back to normal- I'll have to take care of Anthony though. Take him to school, practice, etc. But Warner and I can do that no prob. Yeah, I suppose that was the flip side of yesterday, the better half. I feel different around friends and my dad and brother. I'm less on my guard, alot less careless..I'm almost positive that this switch of living places will be much more positive. |
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| Confessions |
[Jul. 2nd, 2007|11:24 am] |
| [ | I am |
| |  guilty | ] |
| [ | Sounds |
| | Face down (The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus) | ] |
So, after I updated that last entry, I was reading the past entries. And here you go, entertainment for a while.
My confessions.
*I miss Kathryn. I miss Kathryn, alot. I still remember us hanging out almost everyday, and doing practically everything together. I also remember the icing, and how sweet we made that store. To add to this: Kerby's Coney Island. Too many memories to list. I hope you see this too. Hopefully, we can hang out, and maybe repair our friendship.
*I'm a pessimist. I used to be such an optimist, and now I see that I've become the world's biggest pessimist, even though to some it may not seem like it.
*Even though I act happy, I guarentee you I'm probably depressed. I hate being the party pooper. So you'll probably never know how I truely feel if I'm with you. Its not something I really can control, I just am. I realize I used to be happy, I used to be fun, exciting and pretty much careless. I realize now I'm unhappy, boring, way too cautious, and care too much about petty things. I need theorapy, and that's the first time I've ever admitted that. I act like my parent's divorce had no affect on me, but you all honestly have no idea how big of an impact it made.
*I've gotten too attached to Warner. Although I try to deny that I can handle being without him, I can't. I try to deny that you can never be too attached, but that's untrue. I used to have a life of freedom and friends, now I have a life that revolves around him and his schedule. Although I enjoy our relationship, its not normal.
*I want to go back to Ford next year. I'm not going to miss out on the last year with my friends for anyone.
*I like to blame others for my imperfections, and myself for everyone else's problems. If that makes any sense. I hate being wrong. I can't stand being incorrect. I don't like to admit to either of those synonyms. However, if someone else is having problems, difficulties, struggles, I somehow find a way to blame myself.
*As much as I preach against them, I want them. As much as I claim I wasn't addicted, I was, and still am. No, I don't do them anymore, but yes, I crave them. I'm not as strong as you all thought I was I guess.
*I hate saying sorry. I usually do things I mean, if I don't appologize for my actions, get a hint, I'm not sorry. If I do appologize, don't fucking call me a liar, or make me say it again. Like I said, I hate saying it. If you call me a liar, or force me to say it again, I'm going to do something that I'm not going to be sorry for, I promise.
*My temper has not let up. I get mad very easily when things don't go my way, or aren't done in a way in which I like, or prefer. I also get angry when things aren't done as quickly as I would have liked. The pathetic part is, I usually ask someone to do something, and then get angry because they're not doing it my way. I know I need to work on this.
*I'm impatient. I hate to wait. I hate to waste. Why? Possibly because I feel as if I wasted every fucking second I had when I still had a family, hating them. I feel like I have to do something every minute, to make up for my abuse of time in the past.
*I'm a very jealous person. Not of Warner having female friends or anything like that, but rather of others. I wish that I could be as pretty Shannon, as unchanging and happy as Ashley, as wealthy as Ariel and as tight with my family as Warner. I wish I was intelligent as Jimmy, as street smart as Will, and as confident as Emily and Ricky. I wish I was everything I'm not.
*Lastly, I'm not perfect. I don't live a good life. And I don't blame any of you for straying away from me after reading this entry, if any of you even read it. I've treated a majority of you like crap, pushed almost all of you away so I could allow depressing thoughts to stir in my mind. I've kept things from you, because I thought I wouldn't think about my parent's divorce, my alcoholic mother, my addictions, my imperfections and the whole mess I've caused, if you guys weren't around asking me questions. But I thought about those things every second. And I still do, now that I've lost everything. I don't feel like I can start over with all the guilt I carry, and the secrets I keep (even from you, Warner). I've never wanted death to come so quickly. Not because I feel sorry for myself, because that is one thing I promise I'm not. Yes, I'm unfortunate, but its probably my fault anyway. I feel like I've damaged my life, my friend's lives, and my family's lives tremendously, and that I can solve the problem by simply ending me. Why don't I do it? Because I feel that sometimes, maybe, there is some future. That maybe, I'll feel that same happiness I used to take for granted. That maybe, life will give me one more shot. But I'm beginning to see, that the chances of that happening are close to nill. Laugh at me, hate me, talk about me- I don't care. If anything, this entry was to aid in putting my mind at least a little at ease. I've denied I've changed for too long, but I know I have. Maybe this will make some of you a little happier, knowing that you were right all along. I hope so. At least someone can have a smile out of this that's not part of a facade. |
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| Up north, changes, random thoughts |
[Jul. 2nd, 2007|08:46 am] |
| [ | I am |
| |  disappointed | ] |
| [ | Sounds |
| | Silence | ] |
I have a day off of work. A day. And the person I chose to spend it wih, like the last couple, has made new plans. Go figure, right? I'm really going to try to add variety to my summer days, and hang out with different people, not just the same one, who has become particularily unreliable. Not that its his fault, he has obligations and I have taken note that there really is no "yes, I'd like to do this", or "no, I don't feel like it" with his duties. So I'm going to solve the problem myself. Make plans with other people. Not just on days I know he's going to be busy, but daily. I'll think of something new, fresh and exciting to do. Everyday won't be the same old blah story "i hung out with Warner". What a surprise, eh? I don't know. In other news, went up north this weekend, and like the past few vacations, I find myself regretting going. It was absolutely miserable. Car ride up was moderatly boring, my mother (of course) was drinking her brains out. Got to the hotel beause my mom can't handle staying at my sister and her friend's trailor (okay by me, no running water there), and did nothing because my mother told us she was going to check out the pool, and never came back. So Warner and I, like idiots, sat on the bed, waiting for them to get back and give us an agenda/gameplan. That never happened. Went down to the pool to look for them, and oh, another shock, they're not there. Apparently, there was a bar. And we didn't know until we walked by about an hour after they said that they were going to "brb", and discovered them with my sister and her friend on barstools with drinks. So, Warner and I go back up to the room and watch braveheart and the history channel. Score one for cable. My mom comes up to the room and yells at us, "WHY AREN'T YOU IN THE POOL?!" Uh, maybe because I outgrew running to the pool when I was 11, and because I was under the impression we were DOING SOMETHING, and chose not to go swimming so I'd NOT have to re-do my hair. Gameplan wasn't established to later on, ended up going swimming, then going to some crappy fireworks. I think the best part was, was when I got drunk, and got rock gut, threw up, and sat there, clutching my gut at every explosion. Got back to the hotel about an hour later, and Warner and I decided we were hungry, and took a walk to the McDonolds across the street. Had a shake, apple pie, and a med. fry, and went back to the hotel, only to get into a fight with Warner. The one thing that I was truely looking forward to on this whole fucking vacation, was completely ruined. In his inebriated mind, it seemed to be a good idea to pick a fight with me, after I repeated something because I figured he didn't hear it, considering there was no aknowledgement. Got yelled at for that. I would have got yelled at though also, if I hadn't repeated it and he didn't hear it, and if I had asked "aren't you going to get what I asked you to grab?". Then I wouldn't been very considerate of his hearing, something I got yelled at for the day before. Literally. :| So I went to bed, feeling sick, running to the restroom. I think Warner tried to be sympathetic, but it didn't work, considering he had made me appologize moments before for telling him twice to do something. The sleep was awful. The bed was too firm, and I was still extremely bothered by Warner's actions, and also his lack of actions. Usually, he'd kiss me goodnight, say "I love you"...But he didn't. He didn't even put his arm around me until later. I don't know. Maybe things are changing between us, and we both choose to ignore it. That's honestly the only explanation I can gather for the way in which we treat one another, especially lately. I feel like I've made at least some effort to reform by attempting to become more patient, more considerate, and less haste to play the blame game with him. But nothing I've done has worked. Its sad to think of 17 month, almost a year and a half, relationship to be spiraling downwards. Its not something I want to give up, considering we've been through more than a majority of couples our age, and have become really attached. But at the same time, I don't want to make a life out of arguing and petty differences. I'm sure that it wouldn't be impossible for him to acquire a new girlfriend if he wished, just as it wouldn't be impossible for me to find a new boyfriend. But I don't think that I really want to think of that just yet. I'd much rather have that as a last resort. Just random thoughts I guess. I know I kind of got off topic, but whatever. I needed a little rant. Hah. I just realized, that I had thursday off, and chose to work on it. Thursday being our 17 month. I usually remember those things, guess they get old after a while or something. I don't know what to say right now. I'm tired, and can't sleep. I need to shower, but I'm far too lazy. I'm disapointed, but not angry (for the first time). I honestly thought that last summer was bad, but looking back on it, it truely wasn't that terrible. I'm beginning to think that this summer is much, much worse. All I can I've done, is work. Yes, I went up north, but it was miserable. We didn't even do half the things my mom told us we were going to do (go to the beach, go to caseville, go fishing...). Yes, I've been on picnics, but they're really not the same. Nothing's the same. God, I feel like I can't enjoy anything right now. Nothing seems exciting. I can't find a thrill in anything. I hope that my attitude changes, and quickly. I don't want to spend summer moping about miserably. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 21st, 2007|10:02 pm] |
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Maybe I really have lost feelings for you. Maybe everything I've troubled myself with thinking about, is true. |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 6th, 2007|03:00 pm] |
| [ | I am |
| | shit. | ] |
You don't care about me, that's okay I guess. I mean, if its not you, its him, and I suppose this was all inevitable. I am a slut. I am a bitch. And you're right-I really don't have a future. And if at this point my life is worthless, and I have no apparent future, why live? To breathe air and consume and use resources that could go to someone who isn't like me? Who does have a future? Give me a bottle of your pills, a gun, a knife you name it- and I'll end your problems. |
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| New theme |
[Feb. 23rd, 2007|08:22 am] |
| [ | I am |
| |  blah | ] |
| [ | Sounds |
| | Wolf in sheep's clothing (This Providence) | ] |
New theme. Why? Because its 8:30 in the morning, and I cannot be normal, and sleep. Ugh. Oh well, its suiting for March. So. Break has been pretty good I suppose. Been hanging out alot with Kevin, Lenny, and Warner. But, I also got to hang out with Darrius and Donnie, Ben and Wes..and probably some other people, but I don't remember. Do j00 like my little clover? I definantly have the worst sore throat, and on top of that, a deformed (and most likely broken) pinky. I'm cold too D: I would really like to not be awake right now, and go back to sleep. But, that is far too impossisble! What am I supposed to write in this thing? I honestly have absolutely, positively no clue what the hell I updated for. I guess to kill time? Not working though. Lammeee. |
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| One year with warner |
[Feb. 6th, 2007|10:26 am] |
| [ | I am |
| | bored | ] |
| [ | Sounds |
| | The sixth gate-Dougal and Gammer | ] |
Mm. One year with Warner as of yesterday. Didn't see that one coming :) Its nice though. This relationship is kinda the only static thing I have in my life-everything else changes, or leaves, or dies. And its not fair. But who is to say that life is fair? In other news-Kill Hannah concert is coming up. I've still gotta get my tickets for that crap. I think the one year thing worked out perfectly though-I mean, think about it-it was on a monday. And guess what-school got cancelled. And then-school gets cancelled again. Score. At least something good is happening. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 8th, 2007|12:16 pm] |
| [ | I am |
| | pain | ] |
| [ | Sounds |
| | None. TV in the background | ] |
I was going to rant about how when my friends date, they forget about every other person they were friends with before they weren't single, but I realized that I don't care anymore halfway through it. So, what can I say? Life's sucked pretty badly. I got my wisdom teeth pulled out-that hurt like a bitch. And it still does! Because my mom had to pick the shittiest dentist she could find, to ensure that I would be in a maximum state of pain. I still can't eat anything. The thought of soup makes me nauseous. Speaking of nausea- try having to purge, and only being able to open your mouth to about the size of a dime. I'm supposed to be able to eat- but I can't. Everyone else seems to have been able to by now-but nope! Not me. So. I refuse to eat. Until I can eat like a normal human being, I refuse to touch food. Last night was so horrible. Not even kidding you. Immense pain, IMMENSE. And sick to my stomach. So I couldn't lay certain ways-certain movements sent me running to the bathroom, I was groggy and I couldn't fall asleep. But-somehow, Warner stuck through all that. <3<3 I love you, darling :) They think I'm allergic to one of the meds I'm taking. Probably the amoxacillian, so they gave me a new perscription. .-. What really sucks-is that this week is all review in school for exams. And I can't even talk. Yeah, please, tell me how much more life could suck? I'm outt. |
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| Wisdom teeth |
[Jan. 7th, 2007|09:39 am] |
| [ | I am |
| | crappy | ] |
O.M.G. Wisdom teeth fucking suckkk. Getting mine pulled hurt like a bitch. And guess what! it still hurts! I look like a fucking chipmunk. I can't eat normal food. And I still can't fucking talk. Fuck this shit. In better news-it was Warner and my 11 month Friday. Although we spent 905 of the day sleeping, it was neat. <3<3 I don't feel like writing much anymore. So yeah. More next time, maybe. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 26th, 2006|11:20 am] |
| [ | I am |
| | bored | ] |
| [ | Sounds |
| | Autumn (Haste the Day) | ] |
Awful is an understatement in describing yesterday. Woke up to a morbid text, fell down the stairs 3 times, and now. I might have an pneumonia. In better news- Warner got me some awesome things. A body pillow (its pink, and uber comfy!), an afghan that's insanely warm and soft, chocolates (:P), tongue rings (all pink XD!), and massage oil complete with a few of his infamous massages. The massage oil smells phenominal. And I feel like diving right into my chocolates, but I have to do my hair. He got all teary eyed at my card, which I was really excited for him to see. It meant alot to me, so I knew it would mean alot to him. But yeah. My sister got me a $20 gift card to hot topic. and from my guardian. socks. and a necklace. Yeah. It kinda really sucked. and it was really disapointing. But that's okay! I have Frankenmouth and ice skating to look forward to with my babyyyy. I'm done now
I love you, Warner :) |
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| "Merry" christmas |
[Dec. 25th, 2006|11:54 am] |
| [ | I am |
| | numb | ] |
Its sad knowing that my biggest regret is waking up daily. I wish I'd be as fortunate as the elders who die blissfully in their sleep. That way, I could, but it wouldn't be my fault. No one could blame me. Not that I'd care anyway, I'd be dead and happy. Your lives all sound like dreams. And I envy that. You have families that care about you, someone to turn to, and presents under your trees. And what do I have? An alcoholic guardian who I can hardly refer to as a mother, another guardian who I can't refer to as a parent who sends a christmas morning text knowing what happened to all of my pets stating "merry xmas. hope its as good as the rest. make sure 2 give gifts 2 isis, figaro and koko!" He knows I cry even today over my friends...I miss Isis...She was my best friend..She was always there for me. And she died. Alone. Because the fucking alcoholic guardian i live with doesn't care about anything but herself, and has issues giving a few dollars to save a life..Figaro I had for 11 years. And she let that elderly cat, that had been there THAT long for me, out the fucking door. And how about Koko. The dog she kept locked in a cage too small. Then gave away. And if you don't think I hurt, you're crazy. Try waking up to that. TRY! Then tell me how you feel, and how bad you think your life sucks now. Try having a christmas with no family. Try having a christmas with the pets you cared so much about, gone. Fuck holidays. Fuck family. Fuck life. And you know what- in the end, if people are angry at me- the dead can't feel guilt. |
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| Hide and go cheat. :P |
[Dec. 3rd, 2006|11:40 am] |
| [ | I am |
| | morose | ] |
| [ | Sounds |
| | Lying is the most fun a girl can have (PATD!) | ] |
I worked yesterday, of course, from 1-5. That was just about the worst part of my day. I always work though .-. But uh, Warner came and visited me :) And then when I got off work, we had to babysit! but that was actually, god forbid, fun. it was like babysitting 3 kids with Warner there though, it was funny. We played hide and go seek. And wow. XD! I am a horrible person, and I realize this. But um, the little girl was it, we were all in hiding. She was looking for us, and I was like hehe, and called Warner's cell phone. Which started ringing! XD! So he comes down to where I'm hiding, and was like "OH NO YOU DIDN'T!" XD! I thought he was gonna strangle me. It was funny though. I cheated so bad that game 8) But, I clearly had the best hiding spots. I ended up using up all the good ones, then people just started taking mine. Because I'm that cool. But, I think the best spot was when I hid behind the couch, and the kids couldn't find me at all. They were all like "SHE'S HARD TO FIND!" they found warner, and he knew where I was, because he was kicking me and hitting me with a plastic sword before they came downstairs :P After they found him, they went upstairs looking for me, and he re-hid behind the chair, again next to me. They kept on screaming "GIVE US A HINT, VANESSA! They're hard! WHERE ARE YOU GUYS?!" My stomach was growling the whole time, I thought they'd hear it. So, after hiding in our spots for forever, Warner chucked something against a wall, they heard it, and started running down to the living room where we were. At that point, we couldn't stop laughing, the whole situation was histarical. They found Warner first, then me. I didn't wanna play anymore, but Warner led the rebellion with "ONE MORE GAME!" And of course, the kids took his side. So we played some more. there was another game played, that we were all hiding, and the little girl was the seekers, and the little boy was hiding. She said "Ready or not, here I come!" and after she says that, and its all silent, the little boy lets out this HUGE fart, and the little girl finds him. Warner and i started laughing histarically, again. XD THEN! Another game, the little boy was going up the stairs, and the little girl popped out of the bathroom, and scared him so bad that he fell up the stairs. It was so great. We then proceeded to watch the wiggles, which, my friends, is much worse than putting salt in an open, sore, wound. We got them to go to bed around 11. Then we fell asleep. Because we were really tired. I took him home around 3:30am XD! So great. But yeah, actually had fun. Got to act like a little kid again. It felt nice :)
I love you, Warner |
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| RIP Isis |
[Nov. 30th, 2006|11:27 pm] |
| [ | I am |
| | depressed | ] |
Dear Isis,
I love you, more than you'll ever be able to know now, and miss you dearly. You were such a great friend to me, showing nothing but affection and love towards everyone. I couldn't dream of anything better, than seeing you, hugging you, and telling you this right now. I hope there is a heaven, because someday, I hope to tell you, and give you all the love and affection you deserve. I'm so sorry...I wish I could explain this, but I have no further explanation. We were betrayed, and your undeserved death will haunt me forever. Just know, you are always in my heart, and always will be. I'll always love you, that'll never stop. I'll continue to miss you, and think about you daily, everyday hoping to someday hold you again, be with you. More love for you, Miss Isis. You are forevermore missed, and loved. I hope that you are resting in peace. I will see you again, sooner or later. |
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| no internet? |
[Nov. 19th, 2006|10:30 am] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | In a chair. | ] |
| [ | I am |
| |  artistic | ] |
| [ | Sounds |
| | Rainy monday (Shiny Toy Guns) | ] |
So. My internet might be shut off soon. So. You should call the cell if you need to get ahold of me. 405-9261
In other news- I don't have to work until next Friday. Imagine that.
Fri. Nov. 24- 2pm-10:30pm
Sat. Nov. 25- 6:45am-3pm
Yeah. Worst hours ever. Anyway. Warner's getting his teeth pulled out on the 24. That makes me nervous. I feel sorry for him, its probably gonna hurt him. I want to go shopping again today. I got a really cute shirt yesterday, and I was kinda hoping to find a few more. I need some change. Ewew. Pizza hut has nasty ass pizza. I never realized that. I used to think it tasted amazing- now I think it tastes like something I could have found in a pile of 2 week old, rotting garbage. Dumpster worthy, clearly. I feel like taking pictures. I'm ridiculously bored right now. I also feel like writing. I'm in a terribly artistic mood. >:\ I need a haircut. My hair is getting much too long. Ew. I caught Warner's cold. :( It makes me all sick like, I'm not too fond of it. Erg. I think I'm done. I'm bored with writing, time for pictures...Maybe. :)
P.S! Who wants to go to the Thanksgiving parade? I'm willing to take 3 people. First come, first serve.
Iloveyou, Warner. |
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| Sears |
[Nov. 8th, 2006|11:22 pm] |
| [ | I am |
| | uncomfortable | ] |
I got a new job today :) I now work at Sears! =) Yay, money! I need to save up for Christmas. Yep. Hopefully it works out, and it will be fun. Although, its going to take time away from Warner and I :( Not too much though :) Ahh! Excited. I got the job on the spot though. They said I had a very bubbly personality, and it was exactly what they are looking for. I was like :0! But yeah. Alma this weekend. Going to be amazing. Nothing else that's new I guess.
I love you, Warner |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 5th, 2006|12:06 pm] |
|
As a teenaged human being, I have fewer rights than a dog, cat, fish, bird, pig or rat. Where's the justice in this world? |
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| Fuck you mom. |
[Nov. 5th, 2006|09:46 am] |
| [ | I am |
| |  pissed off | ] |
| [ | Sounds |
| | Master of puppets (metallica) | ] |
So. Everything has pretty much sucked lately. My mom continues to drink heavily, morning, noon and night. So, I have some hip problem, that she's put off my doctor's appointment for for AGES. So, we go there. And the doctor says I have one of two things- Rheumatoid Arthritis ( a crippling disease that eats away fluids in your joints, muscle etc.), or really loose hip bones, which would result ultimately in intense physical theorpy and surgery to put muscle back in that area to make my hips and leg bones fit together. He said I needed to go to an pediatric orthopedic, and it was like okay. So, next day. I guess my mom called around, and no orthopedic is going to accept my insurance (medicaid). So I told her, to call the number on the back of the medicaid card, and follow through. She was drunk, and just bitched at me, saying it was my dads job, and if he didn't do it, I was screwed. Yeah, so if it is the R.A.- they have less than 5 months before it is uncurable, because it starts to become uncurable at 17. :| Which would mean, I could be fully crippled before I reach 30, if not 50. Yep. That's my future! ;0 Reasoning with her was impossible. Ended up getting home, she was stone drunk, and she started bitching at me. Told me to get out of the house now, I was kicked out blahblahblah. She told me to take the car and go wherever I needed to go, or walk, but she wanted me out then. Not that I cared, I had plans to leave anyway. So, I go to leave the house, and she grabs Warner and I by the arm, either to push us out, or turn us around, but we just shook her off and walked out the door. She has no right to touch either of us. So we left and whatnot. I went to Warner's after going out to eat and what not, but left my keys and stuff in the car. She went, and took the car from Warner's driveway, without anyone's permission. She told people I stole her car. She was going to call the police on me, because I "stole her car", after she TOLD me to take the car. :| So, I called my dad, who was PISSED. He took me to the house so I could get stuff to stay the night at his house, I went in, and she followed me up the stairs. I was packing my contact stuff, and she called me a little bitch, then hit me. So I went to run downstairs to call my dad to come pick me up, she ran too, and started ripping the phone out of my hand, pushing me and shoving me. And the other bitch that lives in the house just sat and watched, along with Dave. So I told her I was calling the police, and she started screaming and ripping the phone more, then the bitch came up and started disconnecting the phone. So I ran upstairs, called the police, and the police came. The other bitch told the police I had hit all four of them - them being 2 50 year old men, my mom and the bitch herself, that I stole the car, that I didn't live in this house, and that I told her mom i was going to kill her. All I didn't do. They were all drunk. I want to get this straight. The fat ass bitch that my mother only wants around for money and cleaning, said that I didn't live in my own god damn home. I've got news, this is my house. I've lived here for several years. She's a fucking free loafer who has NO RIGHT whatsoever to live here, she needs to get off her fat ass and leave. So does Dave. I fucking hate him too. There is a court order saying he shouldn't be here. asndgjhaskfdlg. So, I go with my dad, we file a police report for assault and battery, etc. Get home today - "I want the phone back. You don't get the car. Find a diff. way to school. No one's allowed over." Not that I care too much, its not going to be too long before she's out of this house. .-. So. This was the weekend I had attempted to look forward to all weekend. I don't even care what she takes from me anymore. I'm sick of her fucking drinking, all her lying bullshit, her slutting around, everything. So yeah, waiting for Warner to wake up. Rather, waking him up, so, I think I'll take a shower until then. |
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| I love you |
[Oct. 21st, 2006|08:10 am] |
| [ | I am |
| | I swear I'm dying | ] |
Sure, we get into fights. And sure, things have changed. And my actions are mostly a result of what happens in my house...I need you to understand that. I'm sorry if I act weird sometimes, that doesn't mean I love you any less...At times I will admit, I have doubted us, and my feelings for you, but I have realized, and I think known, that all this time I've still loved you all the same. I need you in my life, Warner. I need you to be there, telling me how much you love me, how much you need me, so I can tell you how much I love you, and how much I need you...What happened to forever and always? What happened to "i can't live without you"? I want it to be forever and always, like we say. I can't live without you. You were the first person to ever show me love, to ever prove to me that there is good in this world, even when everything seems so horrible..I was reminiscing...You were there every time I was sick, throwing up uncontrollably, but yesterday you showed no care at all..I missed that..I feel safe in your arms, protected...It doesn't seem like you have much faith at all in us working things out..And I'm not sure if any of this means anything to you..You have become the building piece to a new life, a new family for me...When I think future, I can't picture a day without you with me..When I think future, I see us happy..Like we had always imagined before. What happened to you going anywhere I go? Moving out when you're 18 to be with me? My father disowned me in court. My mother doesn't give two shits about me, I'm just another money opportunity for her. My brother won't speak to me...You really have become my new family...You showed me more care and love then they ever have, or ever would have...I have given up everything important in my life to be with you...I have changed my values, and my beliefs, to be with you...Does this mean anything to you? Why won't you change your mind on her? Like I changed my mind on him? Why wouldn't you rather be with me more? Almost 9 months, compared to a 2 days of knowing one another exist? Do I mean nothing to you? Does this realtionship, mean anything to you? I need you to clarify this...I can't stop thinking about it, and I've never felt so sick in my life...You promised Warner..You promised...Why won't you keep that? I needed you to keep that...I need you. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 11th, 2006|03:19 pm] |
| [ | Sounds |
| | My immortal (evanessence) | ] |
My stomach feels really empty. I'm bored, and waiting to pick up Warner. I'm tired because I had no sleep. I'm nervous, because I have some stupid libertarian party to attend tonight. My tooth hurts, because I'm dumb and chew on too many pens. I'm listening to music. I don't get to do that much. Warner's back. Well, I guess you could infer that from the statement above about me having to pick him up. things are well with us, I think. This weekend was a little rough, but I do believe we have recovered. I'm going to be eating vegetarian tacos soon. You should be jealous. Gotta go get gas then pick up Warner. peace out. |
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| :( |
[Oct. 3rd, 2006|06:40 am] |
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I don't think there is any way to appologize to you, Warner, for yesterday. I hope you understand that the things I had said in that conversation were not literal, and it was the most painful experience ever for me, to know that you read that and were hurt so badly by my own ignorence and stupidity blurted out in anger...Please forgive me? |
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| Fuck this |
[Oct. 2nd, 2006|03:43 pm] |
| [ | I am |
| | Depressed with an burning eye | ] |
| [ | Sounds |
| | Diary of Jane (Breaking Benjamin) | ] |
My eye right now is on fire, and I'm not quite sure why. I'm itchy, and irritable. I'm tired, but cannot sleep. Toby is standing on top of Isis's pink litterbox hood, meowing. Ugh. life. I'm not sure I could call it anything less than awful, but I'm not willing to sit here and complain too much about it. Its the same old I suppose. My mom is a coniving, lying, slut that deserves nothing more than to burn in fucking hell. Dave's being here agitates me. Warner is going away this weekend and I have a million mixed thoughts about that. I hate when he goes away... I think more than I should.I just realized I drove to school without my license. Speaking of which, the school has become infested with sickly kids who's parents don't want to keep them at home, so they send them to school to infest the other prisoner's who also have no choice but to attend the hell hole sickly as well. No windows, poor venelation, something is fucking wrong with the cooling/heating system, and the administration is corrupt. But please, tell me, what else is new? I need some good news. Leaving now, must pick up Warner from his prison full of heroine addicts and pregnant chicks. Joy. |
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| Sick :( |
[Aug. 27th, 2006|12:58 pm] |
I hate how I never get to update this thing anymore. but today, I have all the time in the world. Well, not exactly. There are millions of things I could be doing, but can't. I am officially out of comission. I hate being sick. I have so much school shopping that I need to get done, and nowhere NEAR enough time to do it. So naturally, I'm freaking out. Oh! I re-dyed my hair. You'll all have to wait and see what the new style is like :P Its definantly much different than you are all used to. Blah. Next weekend should be something interesting. Peach fest, stocking up on farm fresh veggies, birch run mall, frankenmouth, and the cider mill. Wow. =) Ergg. Warner is snaking out his sink or something, but he's supposed to be coming over in a bit to chill with me. =) I think that will be good. ohmy. We were supposed to go to the fireworks in mt.clemants yesterday. =( but- I spent the night throwing up every 10 minutes. It sucked so bad. And now, I'm bored. So..Until next time =) |
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| Schedule |
[Aug. 24th, 2006|11:20 am] |
Okay. So. Here are my classes. Tell me if you have anything with me.
1st hour: AP Bio - Jenkins
2nd hour: Econ- Douglas
3rd hour: Algebra II- Sobczak
4th hour: English 11- Marshall
5th hour: German- Stutzman
6th hour: AP Gov't - Barnabo
LUNCH B |
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| Cedar Point, Car fixed, Isis sick, 6 months w/Warner |
[Aug. 16th, 2006|01:27 pm] |
So much to talk abouuttt. Went to Cedar Point with Warner. I made an entry about it, but I made it private. :P It was absolutely amazing. =) Its one of those, "Gee, I wish this could last forever" type times. I miss it...Dearly D: Yeah. In other news- my car is fixed! And its awesome. Because now I can go wherever the hell I want to, not have to worry about asking to take the car..8) Oh yeah. It failed me twice. FIRST the trans line dropped, the little clamp thing came undone and leaked out all of my oil, and all of my trans fluid. So, we had to get it towed ($70), then put more oil and trans fluid in it ($50). Yep. That..sucked. But now its all good. Its fantastic on gas. Which is good, because my sister's car just ate the freaking gas. Hated it. Aside from the car, my kitty is sick. Poor Isis has blood in her stool. :( Alot. I feel so bad for her. My mom's making me keep her in the basement (total bummer), so I moved to the basement with Toby and a blanket to sleep on the couches so she didn't feel like she was being punished. She's too cute! Ohoh! Farmer Jack's the other day was kind of exciting. We were running erands for Warner's mom (which is exciting, because its really the only time we get to leave his house), and we were taking our time looking at stuff. I found this really neat night light, it had moons and stars. and I was like "Ooo! I want it!" And Warner walks up to it, and was like "Really?" and I just said it was too cute. And he went to put it in the cart, and I was like nonono! I felt all bad and stuff. I always feel terrible if people buy me stuff. Anyway, he was like "Why not? My baby always gets what she wants." and then he kissed me. And it was totally cute. Like, it was beyond cute. I love him :) Six months and 2 weeks now! eeee! =) Long relationships are very much so nice. Anyway- off to the shower! More updates later =) |
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| Next year - Warner = Disaster |
[Jul. 26th, 2006|10:25 am] |
| [ | I am |
| |  crushed | ] |
| [ | Sounds |
| | Face Down (The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus) | ] |
Next year is just going to suck. I remember, when Warner would get sick, or have a doctors appointment and not come to school...I'd be so sad and miserable - nothing to look forward to in the hallways. The last two weeks of last year were the most miserable school weeks I had ever had...And now..Its going to be worse. no more holding hands in the hallway..no more hugs that wished good luck, made me feel better, de-stressed me...No more school store trips, or walking around...and in the morning- he won't be there for me to pick out of the crowd...to give me a good morning kiss...I think about next year too much. Its really going to be awful...When he was there at school, he made things so much more easier for me...If people were bothering me, he stopped them. If I was upset, he'd make me happy again...Ughh. I don't know how I'm going to do it. Why did he have to get expelled? Why him? I just hope he gets ungrounded for the next school year..I'm gonna need his help..alot. Everything is going to be so stressful. AP Bio, AP US Gov't, AP comparative gov't..all those classes plus their tests and the AP history test...On top of ACTs and SATs...I'm going out of my mind just thinking about it. I suppose senior year won't be much better .-. Physics, Calculous, German, AP English/Honors english (hopefully), AP western civ. But- hopefully he'll be back senior year That would totally make my senior year amazing. Wanna know what really sucks? I had actually thought about going to homecoming this year..But now, I just don't feel much like it. Before all this bullshit happened - I had such great thoughts about this upcoming year...That all went to freaking hell though. Rawr. I wish I could make everything go back to normal so bad...I don't have anymore thoughts...
OHOH! I lied..6 months together on the 5th :P
I love you so much, Warner. |
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| Car accident, rumors, babsyitting |
[Jul. 24th, 2006|12:01 pm] |
| [ | I am |
| | bored | ] |
| [ | Sounds |
| | But its best if you do (PATD) | ] |
So. Much. Drama. Rumors rumors rumors, I'm in them and its not even school yet. Stfu. Will did not ask me out. End of subject. So, Monday was Warner's birthday. It was alright. My mom ended up getting sent to the hospital for some mini stroke thing she had. we went to visit her. Although I really shouldn't have, since she bitched at me for a look I never gave. Wtf. Tuesday was b0ring. I don't even remember what happened. Wednsday I got in my first car accident with me behind the wheel. That..That sucked. The most damage was to the steering wheel, which exploded in my face and knocked me out. I luckily got out with bruises, cuts, scratches, and burns. They're going away. The lady, who had no damage whatsoever to her car, bitched at ME, she was completely unharmed, then took off. My face was all bloody from my nose, mouth, and lips, my nose piercing was bleeding, and I was covered in burns. And she left me. No cell phone. JWHGF. It sucked. It was her fault too, the officer acknowleged that. She was like, 80 and senile. Stupid old people. More drama. Not going to get into it. Ummmm. I have this like, babysitting thing I do now. Every thursday, friday, and saturday from 8am to 5pm. It sucks. But I basically get $120 a week for it. Which is pretty sweet. This week I'm getting $160 though, because I had to babysit this morning. I guess I don't mind the babysitting, I just mind the fact that I'm away from Warner. That really sucks ass. So. other couples out there. Are you still alive? Or did the relationships die out? Warner and I were trying to figure out who lasted over summer. SJDFHJ. Bored now. Peace nukkas. |
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| Beach, missing figaro |
[Jul. 15th, 2006|03:30 pm] |
| [ | I am |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | Sounds |
| | don't cry out (shiny toy guns) | ] |
So, I went to the beach yesterday with Warner and his cousins and such. It was pretty fun. We went swimming and what not, and then we went fishing. I caught a fish through its eyes. I felt really bad. We thought it was dead, but it wasn't. We threw it back in the water and its eyes were falling out, but it was swimming. Yep. We went in a row boat too. But it started raining and thundering and crap, and the boat was aluminum, so we rowed back to shore. Then we went back to Warner's. Where we exploded Diet coke with mentos. it was sweet. Today he's at Cedar Pointe. I guess that's good for him. I'm kinda disapointed though. His sister had invited me around easter, then at the beginning of the week re-invited Warner while I was there, but said there was only room for one more person, so he couldn't bring anyone. Turns out, his cousin came from Wisconson and she magically made room for him. And come to find out- there was room for 2 people anyway. She really hates me for some fucked up reason. Whatever, let her be immature and stupid. I hate how Warner didn't even care that it had hurt me...My mom is really mad too I guess .-. She remembers his sister inviting me and whatnot. And she thinks Warner could have like, said something rather than stood and took his sister's b.s. to me, so I guess I can't bring him to Cedar Pointe with me when we go. :\ Honestly, I'm not sure I care too much though, as mean as that sounds. There's just alot that's been going sour with us I guess. It doesn't (from my point of view) seem like he's trying at all to get off his grounding. Its like he doesn't care that he's wasting his summer, along with mine. I don't know what to do anymore. I'm getting this vibe that he just doesn't care about anything, he denys it..but it honestly seems like it. asjgsgf. I hate when people change. ughh. Figaro ran away on top of all this. I miss him =( This sucks. |
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| Where did my life go? |
[Jul. 8th, 2006|11:14 am] |
| [ | I am |
| | bored | ] |
| [ | Sounds |
| | Agenda suicide (the faint) | ] |
I miss two or three months ago. When I could do whatever the fuck I wanted to. I miss last summer too. That was also very great. Freedom. I feel so tied down right now. Warner can't do anything. We can just chill at his house. Its miserable. And I don't want to be a bitch and not hang out with him, because I love hanging out with him...Just not at his house. X____X I mean, sometimes its fun, but I wanna go to the mall, beaches, parks, carnivals, drives... I miss my friends. I miss having a life. I miss partying. I miss something else, but I "can't have it" anymore. Bitchbitchbitch. Who the fuck grounds their kid for more than a month? What does it do? Corrupt them further? This is getting so effing ridiculous. Summer is half over. KADHfgLHWFKG. Jokingly, I told Warner I wasn't gonna hang out with him today, so I could see his reaction. And he looked really, really sad. I felt like shit afterwards, but I mean..I miss having a life. Sitting at Warner's isn't really much of a summer. He thinks his dad is gonna let up on the grounding, I sure hope so... |
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| Flat tire numero uno |
[Jul. 7th, 2006|08:39 am] |
| [ | I am |
| | blah | ] |
| [ | Sounds |
| | hate me (blue october) | ] |
I got my first flat tire yesterday. =( Worst experience ever. I was leaving Warner's house, and I had turned around in the driveway across the street from his house (because I was parked in front) to get to a diff. street, and he was watching (like always), and was like "Hey, you have a flat". And it was flat. Like. Flat. So, I didn't know what to do. And my sister and mom were out partying. So I was like wtf do I do now. So we had to change it and put the spare on. Sounds easy? The tire was in the trunk. The trunk was PACKED with clothes and shit of my sisters. Like, you can't see any trunk. Then, we get the fucker out after a half an hour of removing shit from her trunk. We had Warner's dad help, he knew a hell of a lot more than I did. So, we tried getting the lugnuts off. But of course, they were rusted to the thingy, and couldn't be removed, even with WD40, so we were like wtf, and had to use this weighted lever thingy. Yeah, so it took us an hour and a half to change it :| In between, I had gone to the passenger side door to get something out of my purse. I didn't realize the window was closed, and went to stick my head in the window, and hit it with a loud thud. Tripped over nothing walking off the pourch. Tripped over a coffee cup. Yep. djgh. Up early - going to the dentist with Warner and his mom, then to take weeds out of his grandma's garden. Mmm. Exciting. |
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| Five months and fireworks |
[Jul. 5th, 2006|10:31 pm] |
| [ | I am |
| |  content | ] |
| [ | Sounds |
| | On the phone with Warner..Fuck music :P | ] |
Five months with Warner today =) He came back from up north yesterday night. It was nice to get to see him today though. I've been busy i guess. Hung out with alot of people. Ricky, Chris, Dan, Nicole, David, Robert, Nicole L., Will...I can't remember who else D: Went to two diff. fireworks. Stoney Creek and Freedom Hill. Uhh. Went raving at Stoney Creek with Ricky. That..Was one of the best nights ever =) I had alot, ALOT of fun. And it was neat to not be depressed without Warner. =) Ughh. So much to write about, but I'm lazy. More later <3 |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 2nd, 2006|09:46 am] |
| [ | I am |
| | bored | ] |
| [ | Sounds |
| | The Kill (30 seconds to Mars) | ] |
So, I got a kitten yesterday. He's orange, and has a bobbed tail. Warner and I named him Toby. You know, like Kunta Kintae XD It was rlly funny at the time. Anyway, he's adorable. In other news, Warner left to go up north for a while. He'll be back either Tuesday or Wednsday. Its kind of depressing. I miss him. I have other stuff to keep me occupied I guess. Like, Nicole, Robert, Sam, and David. Much fun, much fun. So, school starts on 9/5/06. And that's Warner and my seven month aniversery thing0r. And I'm stuck going to Ford. And he can't go there. How shitty. D: Our 5 month is this wednsdayyyyy. I'm excited. =) I like long relationships. I'm pretty much done now. You should call me or something and hang out ;0 <3<3 |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 29th, 2006|02:37 pm] |
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So, forget Chippewa, they don't accept expelled students. :( JHJFHG. This is gei. .-. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 23rd, 2006|02:18 pm] |
He's expelled.
I guess that means we're going to Chippewa next year. If you go there, hit me up. :\ |
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| Nose piercing |
[Jun. 17th, 2006|01:40 am] |
| [ | I am |
| | I definantly love Warner | ] |
| [ | Sounds |
| | None | ] |
I got my nose pierced today. It turned out pretty darn sweet. It hurt more than my tongue piercing, and my belly button piercing...Combined. :) It was, in all honesty, my most painful piercing yet. Definantly have 16 piercings now. So, things have been looking up. I've been seeing Warner everyday for long periods of time, its amazing. I love being with him. Ughugh. He's so amazing! so we don't necesarily have all the things in the world to do at his house, but I still enjoy being with him. I'm never bored with him. I can't yawn anymore. It hurts like, uber bad. ughugh. I babysit next week alot. Tuesday, thursday, and friday. Yep. Blah. I'm pretty much done with this entry. Still keep your fingers crossed, Warner isn't out of trouble just yet. <3 Much love. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 8th, 2006|06:30 am] |
| [ | I am |
| | depressed | ] |
The principle suggested he be expelled yesterday. That suggestion goes to the board, and the board decides from there. Warner and his parents are going to appeal(?) to the board though. I got to see him yesterday, for an hour. But that hour seemed like a lifetime, and right now its all I have. I miss him dearly. Everything about him, everything we did. I want things to be normal once again, that would be especially nice. We might get to see eachother this weekend for a bit each day, to study for exams. I hope so, because I really can't stand the thought of another weekend without him. I don't understand why this hurts so bad for me. this is seriously the hardest thing i've had to deal with, and that's saying alot considering my parent situation. Ugh. :( I miss him. Cross your fingers for us. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 3rd, 2006|07:36 am] |
| [ | I am |
| | beyond depressed | ] |
I've pretty much thrown up nonstop since last night. I don't know what I was throwing up, because I hadn't aten yesterday. I'm not hungry. I'm not thirsty. I honestly don't feel like breathing, but I promised I wouldn't do anything stupid. Warner's suspended. For the next two weeks, which happen to be the last two weeks of school. Not only is he suspended, but he's grounded. No computer. No hanging out. But he might get to call me once a day. Not that it'll help, since every word is choked out of me in tears and is barely understandable. This was supposed to be the most perfect weekend ever. Perfect. He was going to Richmond with me, and staying the night up there. With me. Not going back home, but staying. We had so many plans. So many. And now, I'm not going to hug him, hold him, see him for a very long time. Its much different from the previous grounding. I saw him at school. I don't know what I'm going to do, but to be quite honest, I'm going out of my mind. He has helped me so, so much with everything going on in my life, which is not something any of you would understand, since I haven't spoken of the things that are occuring in my life in public/friend entries. He's the only one that knows. He's the only one. I don't know who to talk to. Who to ask for help. I'm completely lost. The little fairy tale land that I had been living in, where everything was alright, where everything was perfectly in order, has come crashing down. Reality has hit me. All the negative things that I had blocked out with his presence are clawing at my mind. I can't handle this. Giving up seems too easy, and it scares me.
But it gets worse.
He might get expelled, which would result in him losing all his credits for this year, and being grounded all summer. All of it. If that were to happen, there is absolutely, positively no hope whatsoever for me. Just the thought of that happening drives me over the edge, and makes my stomach turn. I can't take this right now. I'm not sure I'll update again for a while. |
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| Gibralter Carnival |
[May. 28th, 2006|01:23 am] |
| [ | I am |
| | Sleepy, and missing Warner | ] |
| [ | Sounds |
| | Elysium (Scott Brown) | ] |
Long time no update. Things have been alright I guess. I try my hardest not to pay too much attention to the bad things. I focus mostly on Warner. =) Today we went to the Gibralter carnival thing. it was pretty sweet. Warner got sick alot. that made me feel pretty bad
=( Ohoh! And he got me this super cute dog! Which we named Abu. Yep. I dunno. I can't really explain the times I have with him. most of them are simple, but like, amazing nonetheless. About to pass out. More updates eventually.
I love you so much, Warner <3 |
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| Clean? |
[May. 14th, 2006|09:44 am] |
| [ | I am |
| | exhausted | ] |
| [ | Sounds |
| | Welcome Home (Coheed and Cambria) | ] |
Maybe its time to stop dancing with death. This is getting out of hand.
Thank you so much for taking care of me (again) yesterday, Warner. You mean the world to me, boyy. <3 |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 13th, 2006|09:49 am] |
| [ | I am |
| | tired | ] |
Yesterday had all its ups and downs, but all in all it was pretty damn good. mostly because of course, I spent the day with the love of my life, Warner =) Couldn't sleep last night though. It was one of those i'm really tired type things, but just can't sleep. Probably, because I can't sleep without Warner like, just being next to me. Ughh. I wish he didn't have to leave so early yesterday. =( I really wanted to be with him longer. I'm sure we shall hang out today though. Well, hopefully =P Entry terminated. 8)
I love you so much, Warner. Sorry to make you worry yesterday, I was in a weird mood. <33321 |
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| (no subject) |
[May. 11th, 2006|03:27 pm] |
| [ | I am |
| | depressed | ] |
| [ | Sounds |
| | Strawberry Gashes (jack off jill) | ] |
Things will never be better. I'm done with being optimistic about this bullshit. People never change. I feel like every decision I make, is completely, entirely wrong. But I don't feel, right? Its okay to walk all over me. Not like I'll notice anyway.
Fuck. You. Too. |
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| Scalloped Potatoes |
[May. 10th, 2006|11:04 pm] |
| [ | I am |
| | sleepy | ] |
| [ | Sounds |
| | too exhausted to listen to music | ] |
So, today went pretty well. Found out I'm 1% away from failing math, like the rest of the class. The teacher seriously sucks ass. I'm not too worried though, I know I'll end up with all good grades at the end of the semeter, I always (somehow) do. Warner came over after school. That cheered me up =) I can't miss a day of hanging out with him, I swear, he's addicting. We, much rather, HE made scalloped potatos, since I had no idea what I was doing. Ugh ugh. Seriously love him so much. But now, way too tired. More updates later for sure. =) |
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| rsfgjdf! <3 |
[May. 6th, 2006|09:41 am] |
| [ | I am |
| |  enthralled | ] |
| [ | Sounds |
| | Miss Murder (AFI) | ] |
Last night, needless to say, was absolutely amazing. :) It was probably, one of the best night's I've ever had. But only because of Warner, but I suppose you all suspected that to come out of my thoughts. XD Yeah, typical me. Can't spend a day without him though. Ughughugh! More details, MAYBE, later. Depends. Iluhj00Warnersooomuch. OHYEAH. 3 months with Warner, as of yesterday. Aren't you proud? :) |
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| ODing, Mike, Kyle, and stalling |
[Apr. 26th, 2006|02:28 pm] |
| [ | I am |
| |  Going to throw up soon | ] |
| [ | Sounds |
| | Living Dead girl (Rob Zombie) | ] |
:0 Yesterday I got to hang out with Warner, Kyle and Mike. Pretty damn sweet. The car stalled out, it was funny, but not. Like, I realized that I'm clueless about cars. Today though. Wow. Got to school, and left around 4th hour. Because I couldn't stop throwing up. Mrs.Jolliff was like "You look really, really pale". Mrs.Klusek said the same thing. I kinda ran out of her class, I felt bad. Score one for ODing. Times numero two. Ughh. No more for a while X_X It wasn't as bad as my last one though. Anyway. Tomorrow = My mommy's bday. So I have to go out and get her something. And I have to go shopping to get the lovely Raven something as well ^_^ Ughhh. I do not feel well at all. I'm hoping I walk this off by the end of the day. I love you, Warner |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 23rd, 2006|09:18 pm] |
| [ | I am |
| |  In loveeeee | ] |
My mom told Warner she wanted a baby today. So we went to Meijers and bought fish. They're pretty sweet. We even gave them names, Crackhead and E-tard. We're such great, proud parents.
I love you so much, Warner.
But really. My day could not have been spent better, since I spent it with THE most amazing person ever. Whom I've missed dearly. Haha. We were flipping through the channels, and found scrambled porn. And we found another one, and left it on, and my mom walked in the house, but I was cool enough to change the channel to Nickolodean. 8) We're sweet. I'd write more, but AP history is calling. So yeah. More updates soon :) MORELOVEFORWARNER. |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 22nd, 2006|10:20 am] |
| [ | I am |
| | Missing Warner | ] |
| [ | Sounds |
| | 97 Lies (Clear Static) | ] |
Yesterday was pretty damn great. Went over Warner's, which was pretty darn great I must say =) We watched the Sandlot (me for the first time), and then watched some thing on Nick's myspace. I had to go home at 6, which sucked, because I missed Warner D: But Nick and I had pizza, then picked up Mike. Who I haven't seen in forever. It was great. We chilled around my room for a while, him and Nick were like drawing. OHYAH. And we went to the mall at like 8:30. Mike had no shoes, so I gave him mine and I walked around in my sweet neon pink playboy bunny socks. It was great how people looked straight at my feet. XD OHYEAH. We went to Meijers at 10:30 :D. I'm kinda surprised we didn't get kicked out. Like, we went around the couch area. And they played on the bed with the slides. XDD That was great. Then we played hackeysack with bouncy balls in the toy isle. That, was fun. XD We pushed Nick around in a cart, and like, Mike talked to these guys. Who started talking to us, and were like "Hey 12 year old (referring to nick) you dropped something" So we turned around, and they were all like jkjk. So Mike was all "Did you have a good 420?" because everyone knows what kind of people are at Meijers at 10:30-11. Stoners. Foreigners. And Stoners. XD And they were like YEAH! And one said that their liver was going just for Mike. It was pretty great. We used the horn! Rather, Mike used the horn and I kept driving. It was great. XDD We spent an hour in Meijers, just doing stupid shit. Best thing ever I swear. I don't think I've EVER had that much fun in Meijers. Cheaa. OHYAH. Warner's mom gabe me a picture of Warner as a kid. I want to put it on my myspace, but I think he'd kill me. XD So, I'm outt.
I love you so much, Warner <3 |
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| Warner, CJ Barrymores, Cicis pizza, and boysboysboys |
[Apr. 20th, 2006|08:11 pm] |
| [ | Current Location |
| | Hell. Duh. | ] |
| [ | I am |
| | Sad, missing my Warner :( | ] |
| [ | Sounds |
| | None. My cousin and I are "chit chatting" | ] |
So, I got to see Warner today for a little bit. He's really not feeling good, but it was wonderful seeing him again, it really was. I missed him so much, and I still miss him more than anything. Hopefully he'll get better soon. I hate to see him so miserable, I feel so useless not being able to help him. But omg...I miss him so much. And I really can't imagine being without him. I was so worried that things might change between us, because we hadn't seen eachother in so long (2 days, not that long, but too long for us)..I mean, nothing from me had changed, but I was worried that he might have changed his mind. I can guarentee my feelings for him won't change, I care too much about him. Anyway, aside from seeing Warner (the highlight of my day), I picked up Shannon and Nick and went to Cicis pizza. More like, we picked the pizza up from there, and ate it in Art Van's parking lot. Which was kinda interesting. XD It was...New. Yes. And then, we went to CJ barrymores, where we rode the fancy go karts, and then went to the batting cages, where I did a miserable job. We ended up getting like, checked out by 20 different guys. Ahmaezing. Like, there were these guys in this blue car on M59, and they were like, dancing in there car to make Shannon and I laugh, it was so cute! Then they blushed, and smiled at us! We were like aww! So cute! They kept getting in the lane next to us and making us laugh. It made me miss Warner even more. I couldn't stop thinking about him, and how much funner it would be with him. ihdfjghsrfg. I can't wait until he gets better. =) So, this entry = ended.
I love you so much, Warner. Get well soon cutie :) I still miss ya <3 |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 19th, 2006|07:54 pm] |
| [ | I am |
| | Depressed and missing Warner. | ] |
I do realize I have become quite dependent on seeing and being with Warner. Especially after these few days. I've been pretty much going out of my mind, I don't think I've ever been so irritable in my life. And I feel bad, because my misery sometimes makes other people as miserable as me, if not, more miserable. But its hard to be happy, when the one thing that makes me happy, is missing. I feel awful that he's sick, and that's the biggest part, I can't be there for him. And that's really, really painful. I'm just hoping we'll be able to hang out for a little bit tomorrow. Even if its for a split second, I don't care. I want him to feel better =( Ergggg. Its all I can think about. How much I miss him, how much I need to be with him...Spring break was supposed to be great, and started out pretty great too. And now, it feels like a punishment. Blah. If I keep on going, it'll just be the same things repeated, because he's the only thing on my mind. Corny, but true.
I love you, Warner. More than anything. And I really hope you feel better soon. I miss you =( |
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